Comedy fiction

Excerpt from Mighty Neighborly

“Course, every man has the right to defend himself,” said the Sherriff cocking his head to the side. Now those stories don’t quite match with what the Taylor’s swore took place up here. But that’s neither here nor there,” said the Sherriff waving his arms dismissively. “The Taylors didn’t send me out here after you boys, they were just concerned for their boy’s life. As I said, they weren’t the only complaints I have received. The Sherriff put his right hand over his heart as if to swear. “I didn’t come here with mal intentions, or to charge you with anything. I just came to talk. It’s my duty to look out for the safety of the town and the people who live there.”

“Alright, well what else do you have to say,” said Dougie. “Well—,” started the Sherriff turning to address Dougie.

“Yeah, we been talking haven’t we Sherriff? The Sherriff turned back towards Johnny and pointed.

“You’re right we have, and we’ve been getting on just fine. He spread his arms out, palms up between the two houses. Haven’t we?” asked the Sherriff.

“Yeah,” said Johnny poking his whole head out of the window.

“I suppose,” said Dougie.

“That’s good boys, now, to get down to it, all I’m here to do is ask you boys a favor. Now that we’ve got to talking, I feel I have a more favorable impression of you than before I came out here,” said the Sherriff motioning towards himself with both hands. “You boys don’t seem unreasonable or dangerous. We’ve had a nice adult conversation, and I thank you for y’alls cooperation thus far.”

“Your welcome Sherriff,” said Johnny.

“Your welcome”, said Dougie.

“What I come to ask, is that you boys stop endangering the people trying to come through this here road into town. You got every right to be here as you both own your respective land, but this is a public road, and it needs to be a safe place to travel on through.” Dougie raised his head out the window and turned slightly to listen more closely. “To ensure the safety of folks, I need you boys to keep the peace out here, and stop your fighting.” “No more shooting back and forth here.” He turned around in a half circle waving his hands over the ground. “You boys understand?” he asked. He leaned back, resting his thumbs in the front of his gun belt as he waited for a response. Dougie turned and squinted to look at the Sherriff’s face.

“You’re here just to ask us to stop fighting?” asked Dougie. The Sherriff calmly nodded.

“No more feuding?” asked Johnny. The Sherriff shook his head one time.

“No more feuding, no more fighting, no more shooting at each other,” said the Sherriff. “What are you boys fighting about anyway? The Sherriff shifted his weight and leaned back on the other foot.

“Well, I don’t think that’s none of your business,” said Dougie. Dougie lifted his rifle up onto the window sill. “I don’t think I like your tone, Sherriff,” said Dougie. The Sherriff ‘s brow scrunched up as he tried to comprehend what he was hearing.

“Now, wait–,” stuttered the Sherriff. He turned towards Dougie with a surprised look.

“I don’t appreciate what you’re suggesting either, Sherriff,” said Johnny. The Sherriff turned back to Johnny in awe.

“I think it’s about time for you to head on out,” said Dougie. The Sherriff shook his head and began walking towards Dougie.

“You boys listen here. I am the law,” said the Sherriff tapping his chest, “and I’m not going to be intimidated or ordered around by a couple of—Dougie fired his gun in the air. The Sherriff ducked and gripped his hat and gun, as he prepared for action.

“Better move along, fella,” said Johnny. He rested his rifle on the window sill, with the barrel aimed at the Sherriff. “This is isn’t funny, boys,” said the Sherriff shaking his head. “I am the Sherriff and I’m asking you nicely–”.

“You laughing Johnny?” interrupted Dougie. “I can’t quite see from over here,” said Dougie

squinting.

“I am not Dougie,” answered Johnny. The Sherriff wheeled around angrily towards Johnny.

“You–,” started the Sherriff. Dougie fired his gun by the Sherriff’s feet. The Sherriff stood fast, prepared to draw.

“So long Sherriff, it was nice talking to ya,” said Johnny smiling. The Sherriff looked back and forth at the two men as he tried to figure out what to do.

“Go on, git!” yelled Dougie. He fired at the Sherriff’s feet. The Sherriff jumped to the side, hand still gripped on his holstered gun. Johnny fired again at the Sherriff’s feet.

“Git!” yelled Johnny. The Sherriff took one last look back and forth; he began to back away towards town. The two men began firing repeatedly around the Sherriff’s feet. The Sherriff almost tripped over his feet as he turned and ran. His hat blew off and started to roll on the dirt road behind him as he continued to run. Johnny took aim and shot beside the rolling hat. He quickly fired a second time and blew a hole through the hat. Johnny pointed out the window towards the hat. “You see that Dougie; not bad eh?”

“About as good as my granny when she was half blind,” called Dougie. Dougie pulled back inside the window. Johnny did a double take as the smile left his face.

“What’d you say?” yelled Johnny.

“You heard me, ya oversized cowpie!” yelled Dougie. “You couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn if your no good life depended on it,” taunted Dougie.

“You lousy—,” started Johnny. Dougie opened fire. Johnny ducked back inside the shack and out of site, as bullets landed around the window. Once the firing stopped Johnny took a breath, rose up and returned fire. Dougie braced himself against the wooden wall beside the window. He smiled as bullets landed against the wall behind him.